Every married couple gets into arguments, yet each couple approach their conflicts differently. Some couples yell at each other or throw tantrums, while others give each other the silent treatment.
Fights are painful, but when couples learn to live with each other and make compromises, they will find themselves building a strong and beautiful marriage.
Doug Weiss, executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado and author of several books about marriage, shared three important tips with Charisma News on how husbands can tone down fights in their marriages.
First, he said husbands should try to stay focused on only one problem at a time. When couples fight over several disagreements all at once, they rarely find an effective solution. “In fact, we are likely to get angrier the more conflicts we bring into the mix. The more blame we place on each other, the longer it will take for us to reconnect,” he said.
He said couples should be patient enough to hear each other out before tackling a conflict. In doing so, they avoid making their partners feel disrespected, unheard, or unimportant.
Next, Weiss suggested that husbands learn about their wives’ love symbols. Maybe their wives saw their own fathers buying flowers for their mothers during their anniversary. They have learned to equate flowers with love and respect. Husbands should be observant enough to know what expectations their own wives have set on their marriage, he said.
“Many women have symbols — symbols men hopelessly do not understand. A lot of conflict can arise from symbols. The man will become frustrated with his wife for behavior he does not understand, and the woman will become frustrated because her partner does not understand her symbol,” he said. “Men: Ask your wife about her symbols. Have her explain them to you. Women: Your husband is absolutely clueless about symbols. Disclose these to him and help him understand.”
Lastly, Weiss said husbands should make an effort to learn about their wives’ buttons. A “button” is a trigger that pushes a person to be too irrational or extra angry. “If, during a conflict, your partner is giving you a Level 20 response when you were expecting a Level 2 response, you have found a button,” he said. “This is probably a trigger from their childhood.”
Whenever a button is pushed, Weiss said husbands should leave the conflict and allow their wives to recompose herself. And next time an issue arises, husbands must be wise enough not to push the button again.
